


If loving you is a sin then I'll be first in line to go to hell.

by mm8



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, No Dialogue, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Secret Relationship, Underage Relationship(s), Unhappy Ending, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-20 20:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17629157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm8/pseuds/mm8
Summary: When Ben is fourteen he realizes that he's in love with his father's best friend.





	If loving you is a sin then I'll be first in line to go to hell.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aurae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurae/gifts).



> *jazz hands* Ta-da!

**One.**

 

When Ben is fourteen, he realizes that he's in love with his father's best friend. He's sure it had been something building for ages now, but he can't pinpoint when it began.

 

He knows that Chewbacca is one of the only people who make him truly happy. 

 

Ben knows he is capable of love. He's not some monster in one of the shows he watches on the holonet. He loves his parents, even if he tells them to their faces that he hates them. At the end of the day, they are both supportive in their own ways. He loves Uncle Luke, who tells him tales and laughs when R2-D2 corrects him on the facts. Ben loves his friends from school and would back them up in any fight.

 

Loving Chewie feels  _ different, _ though. 

 

He feels appreciated when Chewbacca takes his time to explain how to use different weapons like his bowcaster and his father's blaster. He'll go through showing him every part and tell him what their function is. He shows Ben the proper way to use each weapon as it was intended. He shows him how to use them incorrectly if he's caught in a bind. (Ben thinks that Chewbacca's warm fingers linger on his shoulder for longer than it is necessary, but he never minds).

 

Ben's father is too impatient to do any of this. He doesn't understand how sometimes Ben is a slow learner. He gets annoyed when Ben throws a fit like a two year old when he doesn't get it right on the first try.

 

Ben hates this about himself too. He's just not sure how to stop it.

 

He feels special when Chewbacca gets back from his home world or from a job he went on Solo-less, and brings back Ben some sort of present. Nothing for his mom. Nothing for his dad, despite his dad's complaints. 

 

He feels like he's been caught when he's been staring at Chewie longer than necessary and Chewie looks his way. He feels special when he can feel Chewbacca's gaze fixed on him. He loves it when Chewbacca turns quickly away because Ben images he looks the same.

 

He feels like he is being understood when Chewbacca doesn't talk to him like he's a baby. Almost all of the adults Ben knows talk down to him. Chewie takes the time to listen to his nonsensical ramblings or even about what a shitty day he's had. Chewbacca listens and offers him support when Ben needs it most or calls Ben out on his bullshit. In turn, he’ll listen to Chewie's gripes about some smuggler that Ben has never met, or about the specs of the latest gun he's picked up. Both of them love debating hot topics and new ways to improve the Falcon.

 

They speak in Shyriiwook to make Chewbacca more comfortable, since he can understand Basic but he can't really get the words out. His tongue can't get around the sounds of vowels, and since that's the case, there is no use to him speaking Basic at all.

 

With Chewbacca, Ben feels like his equal.

 

Ben is only fourteen, and is not sure how to explain how he feels. He wonders if everyone feels this way or if it is only him. He wonders if people think he can't know how to love someone due to his age. They're  _ wrong _ . 

 

Ben thinks that being in love with someone of a different species would be frowned upon. It is a taboo of the worst kind.

 

Ben doesn't care.

 

He knows that most likely he'll never tell Chewie how he feels. He thinks that he has no chance with someone so wonderful.

 

**Two.**

 

When Ben is sixteen and a half, he has gained enough courage to tell Chewbacca how he feels. It's Remembrance Day, and everyone is celebrating. It was intended to be a sober holiday to celebrate the people who had lost their lives in the war. Over the years, it had morphed into a joyous holiday that barely had anything to do with the dead. Yes, mourning the dead was still present, but it was more an excuse to party. There were hordes of people lined up along the parade route. They were all decked out in bright colors and sat in portable chairs. Many held beers in one hand and waved flags with the New Republic logo in the other. There were beautiful fireworks displays that lit up the night sky. Children cheered, and some even sang songs of victory.

 

Ben points out to his parents how Rememberance Day is awful, like Empire Day. He smiles when his mother clenches his fists and presses her lips into a thin line. They're in public and she is trying not to burst into anger. She's a senator, and it would look terrible for re-election if she's caught screaming at her son in front of so many people.

 

He can be a little shit sometimes. He likes pulling on people's chains. It makes him happy.

 

Ben opens his mouth to speak but his father bonks him on the head. He tells Ben to go with Chewie to do something, _ anything _ . He's about to protest, but Chewbacca grabs his shoulder and pushes him away. 

 

They go to the edge of Hanna City where no one is, because everyone is in the center for all of the celebrations. They're by themselves, and Ben can't help but take advantage of that. He's a bit tipsy and has some liquid courage. He gets up on his tip toes and kisses Chewie's lips oh so gently.

 

Chewbacca pushes him away, saying no they  _ can't _ . Ben protests, because they both know this is what they want so why  _ not _ ? They argue and it goes nowhere. It gets so late that his dad calls Chewbacca asking where they are.

 

On the way back to Ben's house, the walk is silent. It makes Ben feel like he's made a mistake, but he knows he did the right thing when he keeps catching Chewie staring at him.

 

When they get to the gate of his home, Ben stops. He smiles up at Chewbacca and tells him matter of factly that he'll change his mind.

 

Chewie doesn't say a word.

 

A month or so later, Chewbacca asks him to come with him to the pub in the center of town for lunch. Ben agrees before Chewie can finish his sentence. However, Chewie steers him past the pub to an alley nearby that's between a favorited hole in the wall bar and an apartment building. 

 

Ben is about to ask why they hadn't gone where they were supposed to when Chewbacca's hands frame his face. It takes Ben's breath away when Chewie sweeps him up into a kiss.

 

They go too fast. Ben is young but he knows that. They have been together for only two weeks when Ben finds himself in Chewbacca's bed. They was a lot of awkward fumbling and figuring out  _ what _ went  _ where _ , but they get the hang of it and Ben can't believe how  _ wonderful _ sex feels.

 

He whispers don't tell my parents, don't tell my parents, don't tell my parents,  _ please _ . He's not ashamed, he's  _ not _ , but Ben worries about his parents. He's not sure why. He can't figure out a way to put it into words. He just knows they can't know  _ yet _ .  Chewbacca doesn't answer at first. Ben knows his boyfriend well enough that he able to tell when when the gears are turning in his head. It gets to the point where Ben is going to take what he said back, but his boyfriend slowly nods in agreement.

 

The only one that Ben thinks who might know about his relationship with Chewbacca is Uncle Lando. There was a time at a family dinner when Ben handed his boyfriend silverware. His boyfriend's hand is over his and Ben intertwines their fingers only for a moment before Chewbacca pulls away. He looks up to see Uncle Lando staring at them with an eyebrow raised high. After a few seconds he shrugs, takes Ben's dad out of a conversation with Uncle Luke to tell a dirty joke that his mom chastised for.

 

Over the summer Ben has a growth spurt. He turns from being an awkward, pimple-faced, and lanky boy to a man who's over six feet tall with broad shoulders and a deep baritone voice. People start to flirt with him in public. Ben can never tell. His parents jab him and say how pretty the girls are and to at least say hello back. Ben doesn't want any girls to begin with. Ben doesn't want anyone else but his boyfriend. Why would he? 

 

Chewbacca makes excuses so Ben can assist him with small-scale jobs. He tells Ben's parents that it'd be good for him to learn the ropes without his dad hanging around. Besides, it's more 'alone time' for his parents. They do go on actual jobs, despite Ben insisting that  _ they _ could have some 'alone time' too. Chewbacca rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath.

 

One night, while they're playing an intense game of Dejarik (Ben is winning), Chewbacca breaks the long silence as Ben contemplates his next move. He wants to take Ben to Kashyyyk someday. Ben is speechless. He's never seen another Wookie. He knows that Wookies prefer to stay on their home world, and hardly anyone visits. He knows that his father has never been to Kashyyyk, and his father has known Chewbacca since he was in his twenties.

 

Ben climbs over the table and crawls into his boyfriend's lap. He must look stupid but he's  _ so happy _ . Chewbacca rears his head back with laughter and ruffles his hair, then tells him to take his turn already.

 

Life has never felt so  _ right _ .

 

He finds out that his grandfather is Darth Vader. The people on Chandrila give him nasty looks while he's in public. They are refuse to talk to him and keep their distance. In the end, Been secludes himself indoors because he can't take it anymore. It's not  _ his _ damn fault who is grandfather was and what he did. Ben found out the way everyone else did. His mother couldn't look him in the eye when he confronted her. His father keeps saying he needs to work on the Falcon or goes away on a job whenever Ben asks him why the  _ fuck _ they never told him.

 

In the end, it's Chewie who finally listens when he yells and punches the wall so hard his fist goes through it. His knuckles are scraped and bleeding. It hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. He’s fucking pissed off, and he feels like no one cares. His partner pulls him away and drags him to the half-bathroom on the second floor and sits him on the toilet. Chewbacca pulls out the medi-kit from under the sink and puts a bacta patch on his fist. They don't talk. It's too quiet for Ben to deal with. His angry thoughts go around and around in his head and he can't make them stop. Ben starts to shake and tears spill over. He's not surprised when he's pulled against Chewie's chest, and warm arms wrap around his shoulders. Furry fingers massage the base of his skull, and it comforts Ben. His boyfriend puts him to bed and crawls under the covers and spoons him. Ben sleeps through the night and when he wakes up Chewbacca is still there. Without even a 'good morning,' he asks if his partner knew who Darth Vader had his grandfather. Chewbacca awkwardly shifts and the bed dips as he gets up and crosses to the other side of the room.

 

His silence says everything.

 

Ben screams at him to get out, get out, get the fuck  _ out _ . He thinks he hurtled one of his collectable model Y-Wings towards Chewbacca, but it hit the wall next to his door just as Chewbacca crossed the threshold.

 

He avoids Chewbacca after that.

 

One day, Ben finds himself looking through old achieves to find out anything about Vader, about Anakin Skywalker. Ben comes to admire the man. He was strong, fearless, and loved by all. His grandfather was everything Ben was not. As Vader, he was feared by everyone across the Galaxy. He got what he wanted and was still more powerful than ever.

 

Ben doesn't care about the old Jedi Order or the Sith, but his grandfather is absolutely amazing. 

 

The information is limited, and he watches the old holocrons over and over and over to the point he's knows them all by heart. It's frustrating that there's no more information on Anakin or Darth Vader. He wonders if most of the records have been wiped. He wants to know  _ more _ .

 

A week or two later he's on a job with his father and Chewie, acting as their gofer. The first night Ben slinks into Chewbacca's bunk aboard the Falcon. He crawls under the sheets and instantly his partner puts his long arms around his shoulders and pulls him close. Chewbacca rubs gentle circles on the base of Ben's skull. Ben muffles apologies over and over. He's sorry for being such an asshole. He's sorry for acting like a child. He's sorry for treating him horribly. Chewbacca shushes him until Ben stops crying.

 

The gentle hum of the Falcon helps soothes Ben to sleep. He feels content and safe. Finally, his eyes droop and he goes to sleep.

 

**Three.**

 

When Ben is a month shy from his eighteenth birthday, his parents find out about the relationship. 

 

His parents blame  _ him _ . They say it's his fault, and how dare he manipulate Chewbacca -- he is  _ family _ , what the fuck had Ben been thinking? His mother calls him a freak and pushes him against a wall so hard that Ben's head spins and he sees spots. He can't understand what she says but he knows it's bad because her face has turned a shade of deep red.

 

His father is in the farthest corner of the dining room, so there's a large distance between them. His dad just stands there with his back against the wall. He hasn't said a word since they burst into Ben's bedroom and dragged him downstairs. They interrupted him listening to his favorite holo-cast that's he's missed the last three episodes of. His father's eyes are blank and don't give away what he's feeling.

 

They make him stay in his bedroom. There's a droid blocking the only exit, so there's no way he can sneak away. He paces. He cries into his pillow. He works on the BB astromech droid he'd been building since last year. He puts his holo-cast on to help distract him but he's not paying attention to it at all.

 

In the back of his mind, Ben wonders how his parents found out.

 

His mom comes back to tell him his fate. They're sending him away. Ben will leave tonight to go to Coyopa 9 to train to be a Jedi under the tutelage of Uncle Luke.

 

Ben protests. He's never wanted to be a Jedi. Yes, he's brilliant at using the Force. He feels a connection that's begging to be tapped into, but it's not what he wants, so he has ignored the call.

 

All he wanted was to fly and explore the galaxy. 

 

Ben says that he's much too old to start training to be a Jedi. His mother assures him that uncle Luke is ecstatic to teach him. That his uncle has been waiting for this moment for years. 

 

Ben asks if Uncle Luke knows the real reason why he's going.

 

His mother doesn't answer.

 

Ben doesn't understand why his parents are so angry that they are sending him away. He understands how they'd be upset, but to go as far as to practically exile him was outrageous.

 

At least they don't blame Chewbacca, or so he hopes.

 

Life on Coyopa 9 is dull. All the food tastes the same. No one likes the same things as him. In fact, there's no holonet, no holo-cast or even a Dejarik set to help pass the time. Everything is too quiet, and it makes Ben want to scream just so there's noise.

 

Ben grows stronger every day. He knows he's surpassing the students who have been here for years. Ben's uncle never praises him, only tells him what he did incorrectly and nothing else.

 

Every night for two months he dreams of Chewie. Sometimes it's nightmares, sometimes they're good dreams. There's a hole in his heart, and it can only be fixed by Chewbacca. Ben feels like a zombie. He's going through the motions day by day. He doesn't want to be here. All of the other students hate him. They think he's getting special attention because he's Luke's nephew. They're scared of him because he's the best in the school.

 

Finally, after four months, he makes a friend. A new arrival who is a half human-half Twilek boy named Jacen. He's a couple of years older than Ben, and both of their parents fought in the war. Jacen's incredibly independent, and is the only student besides Ben who loves to make mischief.  He's nice and doesn't care what everyone else thinks. Jacen says he's been bullied enough to see through others’ bullshit.

 

Slowly, Ben grows closer to Jacen, and their friendship begins to heal his broken heart, even if it's just a little. It's as if Jacen picked up two pieces of glass that had been shattered into a thousand shards. Ben still feels broken, but he's starting to get better.

 

He continues to research everything he can about his grandfather. Ben knows there must be an old holocron or two in the library about Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader. There's a section of the library that uncle Luke forbids anyone of them to go. Ben guesses that the information he wants is in there. With Jacen's help, he's able to access the holocrons. His assumptions were correct. He finds a total of one hundred and fifty accounts regarding Anakin and three hundred on Vader.

 

Jacen doesn't ask what the holocrons contain, but he helps Ben sneak them out of the library and hide everything in different spots around the planet. Sometimes when Ben has spare time or can't sleep during the night, he goes away and looks through the data with a fury.

 

As far as he knows, Uncle Luke never notices anything amiss.

 

Late at night, Ben stares up at the ceiling wishing he could see the stars. His mind always go to the same thoughts. How had his parents explained his abrupt departure? How did his lover react? He wonders if Chewbacca hates him for going. He hopes that Chewie still loves him.

 

Ben didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Chewbacca.

 

That's been the hardest part to swallow. 

 

**Four.**

 

When Ben is nineteen he wakes up to his uncle about to murder him. Ben doesn't think, just  _ acts _ .

 

By the time he is calm enough to process what happened, it's too late. Everything Luke had worked for is gone. Ben trembles as he desperately tries to clean the blood of his friends off of his skin. They're etched in the groves of palms and under his fingernails. No matter how hard he scrubs Ben sees the red crusted blood… and the faces of his friends, terrified and confused.

 

Ben tries to push down the feeling that he enjoyed it.

 

He knows he fucked up, and there's no way to take it back. Ben doesn't regret what he did to Luke's dreams. No, Luke  _ deserved _ it. Ben regrets it because he knows that he'll never see Chewbacca again. He doesn't want to see the look of disgust on his face. He knows Chewbacca can be cruel and hurt his enemies. He doesn't want the love of his life to think of him like that. Ben will have to leave his love for him back on Coyopa 9, before this mess ever started. 

 

It hits Ben hard like he'd been punched in the gut when he realizes that he never told Chewbacca that he loved him. He sobs, gasping for air in threes. He rips out some of his hair and tears the room he rented apart so much that nothing is recognizable. He sneaks away before the owner finds out about the damage.

 

He meets a man who calls himself Snoke at a bar on some backwater planet in the Outer Rim. Snoke buys him a drink and tells Ben that he can tell he's strong with the Force. Ben wants to tell him to piss off, but something is tugging at him to let this Snoke talk. Snoke says that he wants to train Ben-- not to become a Jedi, not to be a Sith, but to become something even  _ better _ .

 

Snoke says everything that Luke never did. He says the things Ben has craved to hear all of his life. That he's strong, full of potential, full of power. He says that Ben is special.

 

Snoke promises that everything will be okay.

 

**Five.**

 

When Kylo Ren is twenty-nine, he impales Han Solo with his lightsaber. He admits that for a second it hurt. For a second there's shock and regret. For a second he wishes he hadn't done it.

 

That's Ben Solo. It's so much Ben Solo that it makes him ill and close to vomiting. He's **Kylo,** Goddamnit, and no one can take that away from him. Not the Resistance, not Luke Skywalker, and  _ especially _ not a second rate pilot with a ship that was always on the verge of falling apart. He's better than  _ all of them _ . 

 

He knows that the Wookie is there. Kylo sensed it the moment he landed on the planet, but buried the urge to seek him out. Ben would have stopped everything he was doing to run into his lover's open arms. He would have buried his face in the Wookie's shoulder, whispering how sorry he was and asking for forgiveness.

 

He's not Ben Solo, not anymore. 

 

Kylo sees the plasma bolt coming but doesn't bother to stop it. He knows that it was the Wookie who fired. Kylo doesn't understand why he didn't reach out with the Force and stop the bolt in mid air. He could have done it. He usually did when someone shot at him. It is a mere parlor trick, but Kylo loves to see the surprised expression on people's faces when he does it.

 

When the bolt hits his side, it still takes him by surprise. It is only a graze-- no way was it meant to kill him. Kylo knows the Wookie well enough to know the difference between a warning and a failed attempt. 

 

Ben Solo would have to wept and wailed. Kylo stands his ground and brushes his gloved fingers against the wound to see how deep and severe it is, so he can adjust his movements with the oncoming storm.

 

Kylo tilts his head upwards to see  _ him _ . It'd been over a decade since they last came face to face. The Wookie looks the same overall. After all, Wookies age slower than humans do. Even though it's been years, he can spot the differences that most would miss. Kylo sees the crow’s feet on the edges of his eyes. His fur is a shade duller, and his shoulders sag as if there was the weight of the world on them.

 

Kylo's not wearing his helmet. He knows there's no hiding what he did or who he has become. He finds that it doesn't matter so much anymore.

 

He glares at the Wookie with contempt. In return the Wookie snarls and threatens to tear him apart, limb from limb. There's no more love between them. Anything that was still there shattered moments ago.

 

Kylo Ren is preening. Ben Solo is screaming himself hoarse. 

 

In the end it's Kylo who wins the fight.

**Author's Note:**

> A big THANK YOU to akaparalian for beta-ing this. You're so wonderful.


End file.
